The Benefits of Semen Recycling

I've been caught up in the ensnaring clutches of The United States of Tara. I swear I'll start writing again at some point.

If you feel you must have something to tide you over until I am back to writing my usual snarky commentary on my life, here's an IM exchange Blue and I had on her birthday last Friday. This is what we talk about when we are ostensibly working.

Blue:      a little humor for you - http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/natural-harvest---a-collection-of-semen-based-recipes/5198959

Grumples:           Ew. Is B contributing his semen?

Blue:      the reviews crack me up. Hmmm that's a great idea!

Grumples:           Just let me know which one is yours, so I can avoid it

Blue:      hahahahaha! this part of the review is my favorite

“It's a shame when semen is wasted by people just flushing it down the toilet or throw in the garbage. Throw it in the sauce!”

Grumples:           Should I scoop it out of my vagina? Is there a special spoon for semen recovery?

Blue:      hahahahaa! There should be!

Grumples:           I'm sure a teeny coke spoon will work. Where does one buy those?

Blue:      yes that would work. there may be a way to suction it out with a little hose

Grumples:           I don't think I'd like that

Blue:      into a little jar to keep above the stove. you could use your muscles to squeeze it out. Oh man, i want to write a review about semen recovery

Grumples:           Do it!

Blue:      Its a topic that has not been covered

Grumples:           And thus, really needs to be. I mean, I can always go for my post-sex pee and let it drip in to a cup. Might be hard to keep it from getting contaminated by my urine

Blue:      some people can recycle it from their asshole too. i don't think a little urine ever hurt anyone

Grumples:           So true, but they really better have douched/used an enema before sex if they plan on cooking with that semen later

Blue:      i agree. what about using it out of a condom?

Grumples:           Perfect!

Blue:      :) safe and delicious'

Grumples:           So true. It promotes safe sex and tasty semen dishes

Blue:      It also promotes recycling

Grumples:           Well, that might be a harder sell since no one recycles the condom

Blue:      that's true.... but it can be stored in the condom... just put a twist tie on the end

and throw it in the fridge

Grumples:           How long can the semen sit in the fridge and still be good? Perhaps it is best to freeze it if not using same days

Anxiously Staring at the Wall

Help! Drowning in snot over here. I have been for weeks. Longest way to die ever. I wish there was a way I could be more optimistic about dying from allergies, but a quick Google search tells me that unless it’s a peanut allergy, I just have to deal with it, and whine to anyone who is able to extend a modicum of pity toward me.

Clementine is NOT helping my mood.

One sip of water, and bam, she puts it on the floor on its top. Thanks, lady. I refuse to clean it up. That’s right. This is what I’m taking a stand over, and I don’t care what any of you have to say. I may have shrieked in frustration, making all the cats stand in frozen terror.

There were so many things that have made today terrible in so many ways, and I fear George is giggling behind some corner ready to ambush me, and it is making me very sensitive, and whiny (see above). I’m going to shut his mouth with two Benadryl and a beer very shortly. However, there was this (finally) waiting for me this afternoon:

Limited edition 7” single from the Magnetic Fields’ forthcoming album. A chicken on the front! And a free digital download. A very lovely package of happiness.

I also purchased a really cute turquoise spring dress on eBay. For $13. I felt it was the right thing to do. One day it will stop raining, and I can wear it with my awesome red Fluevog booties. Also, one day, I will stop sneezing. If all goes well, this will coincide with the rain stopping. Fingers crossed.

Before I succumb to allergy death, I’m going to wax on in a nauseating way about how much I adore CSP, brace yourselves—specifically how he didn’t make fun of me at all when I woke up screaming during a thunderstorm. Nothing like an anxiety disorder to make for some potentially embarrassing moments. For the record, it was one magnificently loud clap of thunder. I completely thought for a moment that glass was shattering, and somehow that I was being smote by lightning. I may also suffer from an overactive imagination. So, CSP, squeezes me, and assures me that everything is fine, and nothing is broken, and there’s nothing for me to be embarrassed about, and oh, swoon. The way he cares for me makes me out myself online for being scared of thunderstorms. What an asshole!

And with that, I really need to go to bed. I’m going to read some, and then tomorrow, see if I remember any of it. That’s a fun game I like to play when I’m suffocating on my own mucus. Raise your hand if you think I’m sexy.

PS: I caved and cleaned up the water that Clem spilled. My cheap IKEA coffee table was swimming in it, and I had visions of the legs crumbling in to a soggy wet mess. I rewarded myself with a Newcastle, and two hot-pink pills of guaranteed-sleep bliss.

PPS: I caught this guy knocking over Fernando the chicken, then staring at the wall all innocently, but he can’t disguise the anxiety propping open those large eyes.