Assertive Communication

A work story:

It's not like I planned to talk. This strictly was a way to be away from my desk and annoying coworker for 1.5 hours. A time to reflect on my awesome plum skirt that I was wearing and how tiny my ankles looked. A brief respite from the doldrums of stifled yawns and donkey brays of the woman in my office. What kind of trouble could I possibly cause in an "Assertive Communication" class my company offered through some "health" initiative?

The instructor kept waving at her face with the extra handouts while speaking in that kind of breathy dulcet tone used for aggressive kindergartners who are attempting to stab each others' eyes out with those lame useless little-kid scissors. There was a PowerPoint slide show on the wall, plus a handout of same (but admittedly "slightly different" presentation). She explained the various types of communication styles (though never actually emphasizing that assertive was the best way to go). I made eye contact and nodded along for good measure. That was as much participating I was willing to give until some fuck-nuggety "game" she had us play. What it had to do with "assertive communication" was kind of lost on me; but hey, I like games, I really do. I like proving daily how much better I am than everyone else around me, even if they don't know it. I was ready to sit back and smile smugly when I kicked all my fellow emloyees' collective asses. It makes one feel good on a rainy morning when faced with the prospect of doing nothing much all day beyond pretending you have work to do while surfing the internet on juicy items like Bartholin cysts.

The game went like this: She read a very brief "story" to us (The original story and statements are a portion of the "Uncritical Inference Test." Copyrighted, 1955,1964,1967 by William V. Haney). She actually read it twice (which would clue any chickenmonkey in that there was something fishy going on here). At the end we were not allowed to ask her any questions. She then handed out a 10-question test that we had to answer as "true," "not true" or "not enough information." (Her test was slightly different from the original one by Mr. Haney.) This was lame. So lame. It wasn't just a memory-recall test as it first seemed, it was a how-vague-can-this-story-intentionally-be-to-trick-any-of-you-who-use-your-brain-for-fun-things-like-critical-thinking-and-making-inferences test.

Was it the owner who turned out the lights in the store? NO. Not enough information; because, in the story, the guy was described as a "businessman." Well golly gee. You know, if I was able to call myself a "businessman" I better be more than just a motherfucking employee of the store who has to stay and turn out the lights. Was that man who demanded money after the store lights were turned out, the one who received the money and left the premises a robber? NO! Not enough information to be determined. But the cops were called out, she said so, TWICE. Oh silly little goatchimp, that man could have been the owner, a friend, or the businessman's fucking bookie. There is no way to know if he is a robber even though the police were called. Maybe the police were called because it is scary dark outside and that pussy businessman needed someone to walk him to his car.

So I became assertive. I spoke out and said, "I'm sorry, is this how you read newspapers and books?" "How do you ever know what you are reading if you don't read between the lines, make inferences, do a bit of critical thinking?" "I would think even a small child would draw the conclusion that the man who demanded money, left the scene, and the cops were called, would determine that he was in fact a thief."

She gives me the stink eye but keeps her voice full of honey and tells me we're talking "apples and oranges" here.

Excuse me? EXCUSE ME? She asserts that this is about verbal communication, where people often hear things differently than what is said, or interpret words according to their own cultural backgrounds, etc. That when communicating, you can ask questions for clarification and the like.

By this time I am shooting green lasers at her with my eyes, and coldly ask how can that be, considering SHE READ THE STORY TO US AND SAID WE COULDN'T ASK QUESTIONS? I'm totally frothing at the mouth and flinging my spit in anger, and wondering if I could actually get in trouble for being the type of person who confronts the instructor of an "Assertive Communication" class. Of course the rest of the employees were shaking their heads and murmuring their agreement with her point of view. They almost made me feel ashamed, stupid even! However, therapy has taught me not to think of myself in such negative ways. I got over that quickly enough.

This is the kind of cockamamie bullshit that I can't abide. It's breaking language down to an asinine level. Yes, the point is understood but it is not remotely realistic. There is no point to it. I provided counterpoint to a silly exercise in the many different meanings of words. Words are meant to be manipulated and used to get various points across. Speaking or writing on a level brought down to a 5-year-old's understanding is just degrading to people who are able to read between the lines. How else are conclusions drawn? Does every sentence need to be a scientific formula of hard lines and absolute meaning? Isn't the beauty in communication the ability to play with words, be creative to get a point across? Of course we all bring our own experiences, a lifetime of impressions and thoughts, that stand behind words, shimmering and making them hazy with our own interpretations. However, this does not mean we need to break down language to its barest, ugliest bones to get a point across. Insulting is all it is.

Please, from now on, be as concise as possible when speaking and writing. Any words you do choose to use, should fully explain in the most droll, unimaginative way what you are saying. For instance, if you said, "I spilled my coke this morning on the desk." You may confuse the poor masses, who may accidentally conclude you are talking about using illicit drugs this morning, and not only were you using drugs (GASP), you had the audacity to get messy with them on a desk (who knows what desk, could be that one out by the dumpster)! All because you didn't say, "I spilled my Coca-Cola Classic soda this morning at 9:03 a.m. on my work desk here at the office where I work and daily--every morning around 9 a.m.--drink a Coca-Cola Classic soda (in a can)." That should make it nice and clear for any dimwitted fart who needs some hand-holding through all conversations.

This is my life at work.