The Lazy Way to Amuse One's Coworkers

It doesn't take much to entertain my coworkers. This doesn't surprise me. Twit "LOL" and told me I was funny. She probably thinks it's funny when she's able to pick up a fork, spear some food with it and direct it in to her mouth. Another coworker (one I enjoy very much), advised I should be a writer, and that I was absolutely hilarious. He, too, said he laughed out loud, but perhaps since he is a man of math and science, he was able to actually say those three words. He's 5'1" and so damn cute. I wish I could store him in my pocket and bring out at parties, or sit on the couch when I'm lonely. Maybe he can ride the old man's back when he is in that rare frisky mood and running through the whole house (probably in search of the perfect place to pee).

Yesterday, the Xerox was broken. Many people told me about it. I'm not sure when I was designated the person to report this to, but the word got out yesterday that it was me.

This is how I handled the situation (and it is so depressing that this is what passes for genius these days):

From: Grumples
Sent: Monday, September 28, 2009 9:06 AM
To: Staff
Subject: Xerox

Good morning, all,

Yes, the Xerox is having a testy Monday morning and is refusing to perform. (Redacted) has been informed, and hopefully will be able to come by and discipline it. Please do not attempt to do the disciplining yourself by rebooting it. (Redacted) reserves this privilege for himself because it helps him understand the deeper needs of the Xerox by analyzing its error messages.

When (Redacted) confirms the Xerox is happily functioning, I will let you know.

Thank you for your patience.

Grumples

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From: Grumples
Sent: Monday, September 28, 2009 2:48 PM
To: Staff
Subject: RE: Xerox

The Xerox is currently receiving its anti-depression medication, and it is our hope its mood stabilizes and will start working for us soon. As I said before, I do promise to let you know when it is functioning. IT (and I) thank you for your patience with this.

--G

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From: Grumples
Sent: Monday, September 28, 2009 3:00 PM
To: Staff
Subject: RE: Xerox

The word is the Xerox is on happy high clouds and ready to get to business. Let me know if it doesn’t work for you.

Thanks.