Swiss-Cheese Brain

Oh, Monday night.  How you have found me once again, alone, in front of the television.  Watching True Life on MTV (apparently this episode is about being addicted to food and heinous body modifications like cheek piercings and faded, blurry tattoos).  I see that the American version of Skins premieres on January 17th on MTV.  It probably won't be nearly as good as the British one, but yes, I admit, I will watch it.  It's too early to set the DVR.

My allergies are kicking my ass.  My nose is chapped, which is unacceptable.  I'm having to double-dose on my allergy meds (Allegra in the morning, Zyrtec at night).  I wheeze when I giggle.  My lungs are gurgling.  It doesn't help that I have stirred up a colossal amount of dust in the bedroom, by boxing everything up (except clothes) in preparation for the new windows and floor we're having installed.  The cats are really enjoying the boxes, and I'm worried that I'm going to tape one in a box without realizing it.  Why are those books making such a racket?

There's some stupid video-game commercial that has a guy pretending that he is taking the dog for a walk, when really he is sitting on the couch with his friend playing video games.  He lies to the woman in the house!  However, he understands the dog really does need to walk, so he puts the dog on a treadmill.  Which, while extremely bad parenting, I have to wonder how ET would like a treadmill.  It is cold outside, too cold for ET to ramble around the backyard.  So, he is busy rocking against the side of his terrarium, and making me feel like I'm a terrible mother.  He should just be grateful that I am not sitting here playing video games and ignoring his biological needs.  I'm watching MTV instead!

On NPR this morning, they were discussing some (shocking!) study that revealed that talking on the phone, kissing a passenger, eating, etc., is distracting while driving.  I know, right!  I believe the point was more that people with better educations and higher salaries tend to be worse drivers because they are the ones who can afford all the technology that creates some of these distractions.  Favorite (paraphrased) quote, "I don't have a lot of gadgets, just the standard radio...and, today, this recording equipment." Best accidentally obvious spot-on example ever!  NPR also failed to mention that listening to them on the radio can be just as distracting as passengers and Arby's roast-beef sandwiches.
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After much deliberation, I think I'm going to go off my mood meds.  It is at the point where having a swiss-cheese brain is more depressing than my regular every-day depression.  If I'm going to struggle with depression, why do it with a lower IQ?  I miss being quick-witted, and I hate that I can't remember what I have said, or even the words I need to use to say something.  When I read over something I've written it is full of words that my brain typed that aren't the right words.  They usually start with the right letter, and may sound similar.  It's like my brain is really lazy and instead of finding the right word, it just spits out the nearest thing it could find (no need to get up and find paper, when there's pepper right here!).  A lot of days I feel like I have Parkinson's.  My brain just can't communicate correctly with the rest of my body.

I've been on meds for 18 months, and in therapy for a year.  I know I am a nicer person, a calmer person, I accept more and judge less.  I have improved, but I just can't stay on these drugs.  Maybe a 6-month trial of no meds.  If my anger comes back full force, then I'll admit defeat--I'll just have to accept being dumber.  My relationships are more important than my smarts.  However, what if I have learned to recognize my triggers, and I can be better now without the medication?  How will I know unless I stop taking them? Grrrrr.