31 August 2010

The Zombie Dildo Is My Religious Boarding School's Mascot

There are times when I am innocently minding my own business, being a good person, not thinking dirty thoughts, not touching myself--you know, being a nice, chaste woman in her mid-30s.  Then Laroux goes and posts this


I ever so wanted to send this around to people at work today.  Unfortunately, work enjoys spying on all internet and email traffic, and as funny as these little zombie dildos are, it isn't worth getting fired over--even if it is almost impossible to get fired at my job.  I thought there was nothing better than a thicky, vieny cock--oh, so naive, so ignorant--a flayed penis is just so much better, more handsome, more robust!  I totally enjoy the herpes outbreak on top.  It just makes me want to wrap my mouth around it, give it a good long lick.  Or, perhaps, take it out to happy hour and emphasize each thing I say with a shake of my Necronomicox.  It would also bring much needed levity during those boring work meetings I keep getting dragged in to.

Then, this afternoon, I was perusing a religious boarding school's website.  What?  That is totally normal work behavior for most people.  Bored?  Look at religious boarding schools!  If I cannot look at dildos at work, then I think reading about religious boarding schools is a close second.  What makes these kind of websites so damn wonderful, is the inadvertently hilarious things they post. 
“I did miss my family at first, but you soon realize that love doesn’t rely on physical contact.”
What a confusing, uncomfortable sentence!  What does my family have to do with love from physical contact?  Ew!  Seriously religious school, think before you post.  Break that sentence down, the first part of the sentence does not belong with the second part.  Or did they do that on purpose?  Some kind of half-assed attempt at a subliminal message?  Do they have a savvy group of writers locked in some room with a cross and a picture of Jesus, thinking of ways to convince kids not to have sex when away at boarding school?  Why else would it be worded like that?  Who would string those two clauses together?  I'm pretty sure that a good portion of those kids are made to go their by their parents, and aren't too worried about physical contacts with their family, but more interested in some physical contact with their peers.  As we all know, those religious kids are a damn randy bunch.

One summer, I think I was 14 or so, I agreed to go to a religious sleep-away camp.  I wanted to go because my friend was going.  It was a creepy born-again Christian camp (not that born-again Christians are necessarily creepy, but this group was creepy in its nonstop insistence that I walk in front of 100 kids and proclaim myself saved by Christ).  My sole interest once I got to the camp was in a certain young man.  When I say young, he was probably 12, but fuck-o-mighty this kid was pretty.  I stalked this kid.  I harassed him.  I embarrassed him.  I talked about things he had no clue about until his pretty cheekies turned red.  While everyone was readying their souls for Christ entry in to their hearts, I was busy trying to figure out if this kid wanted to kiss me.  Not that I would kiss him, he was a little too young; but I wanted to at least know that he wanted to (but was too shy or intimidated by my utter fabulousness to attempt).

I was a twisted kid. 

Oh wait, I'm pretty sure I'm still interested in knowing if someone wants to kiss me (outside of The Boy--he has a very deep, every-ready well of kisses for me to draw from).  Some things never change.  I'm pretty sure I would have ended up looking for love through physical contact at a religious boarding school. 

Please please say that this religious boarding school I'm creating in my head has a zombie dildo for a mascot!  Please say it's true.

2 comments:

larissa said...

Born agains are creepy. I babysat a family of them. NEVER failed I had a Motley Crue or Slayer t-shirt on that day and had to change.

Anyway CREEPY the kids and the parents. I bet those girls are Lot Lizards now.

And you're welcome, BUT DID YOU SEE HOW MUCH THOSE ARE? Not that I checked.

Grumples said...

Jesus fuck! $195! And that's with a 20% discount. There's a pair of shoes I'd rather buy than spend that on a hilariously campy dildo. Geez.

Oh, I didn't look either. I'm totally making all that up because I did not look at all.