The Bassoon Totally Farted

Yesterday was a big day for The Boy, and a date night for me with my lovely Amazon. I so wish she knew how gorgeous she is. I'm always kind of stunned and giggly in her presence. If I was able to sneak a close-up picture of her mouth, and posted for all of you to see, you'd totally understand. She even puts on gloss just for me, that damn minx. Of course, if she reads this, she'll just cry and see how fast she can hide under the bed even though she is almost 6' tall. She's my straight-laced good friend. She totally calls me out on my bullshit and has no problem snarking it up with me during inappropriate times (like in the middle of a choral concert). We only get together about once a quarter which is such a damn shame. I haven't even seen her kids in over a year. She is so dedicated to her job and her family, that there isn't much time to squeeze non-dedicated, non-family me in to her life. I understand this but am totally greedy and want more fun times!

Ahem. Moving onward. So, last night The Boy conducted Haydn's The Creation. He did such a wonderful job, and I always get so hot for him when he's up there wiggling his ass and pointing his baton at the musicians and singers. That boy is all mine! I sometimes forget to listen to the music because I just want to grab his arm and drag him in to some backroom and have my way with him. Which, you know, if we didn't get some good money from this gig, I would totally try it, because I'm pretty sure he would totally be all about that kind of dirty trick.

This was a very long performance. It was gorgeous, but damn, why all the repeating of lines? One of my favorite local sopranos sang (who is so much better than BJ in her 1950's overcoat dress and rolling R's), and her voice is so clear and made me so sad that I cannot sing like that. Then I hated her for a second for being such a genius (music, math, computer degrees), and can wear a strapless dress in front of approximately 200 people and never once pull up on it in that obnoxious prom way that you always see women tugging at themselves. My Amazon told me that she saw BJ burning holes in the back of the star's head in the hopes she'd drop dead so BJ could save the day. Sorry, BJ, just wasn't your night.

During these choral concerts, I have a problem focusing. I love music, but I struggle with choirs. I am more interested in the orchestra, and if there's brass, then I'm all in a tizzy with excitement (I am going to suggest to The Boy that he compose a choir piece of Neutral Milk Hotel songs complete with full brass orchestra). However, when there is just a lot of singing, I start to think of a lot of "what if" scenarios. Like, what if I stood up and shouted, "Holy Suppurating Sores!" and sat back down in the pew (these shows are always in churches). Or what if I got up on the stage and started singing with my wretched strangled voice? Or squeeze The Boy's butt and ran back to my seat? The Amazon would disapprove and say, "REALLY?" at me. That is what would happen. Well, that and a lot of other things. Or I'll start thinking about things like, if I had an 'edgepig, I would name it, "Kraken."

Thankfully, I was able to control myself and didn't do anything too terrible. During the first half of the show, there was a group of people who sat behind us who I swear were doused in patchouli. One of them had a serious nasal blockage (I know, because I do, too!), and instead of breathing through his mouth, which would have been the polite thing to do, he insisted on forcing the air through his clogged sinuses. Resulting in an audible snoring sound. I gave him the stink eye, but he seemed clueless. Whoopis makes that noise when he's awake, but I don't take him out to choral shows.

I did make a few groans during a particularly vomitous part of the piece, where Adam (he's black! A black Adam!) and Eve are doing a duet, and I had to put up with this:

ADAM
Now is our duty well fulfilled, our Maker have we duly thanked. Now follow me, companion of my life! Thy guide I'll be, and every step wakes new delights within my breast, shows wonders everywhere. Then surely thou shalt know what boundless realms of joy the Lord hath given us. Him praise we evermore, Him serve with heart and mind. Come, follow me! They guide I'll be.

EVE
O thou for whom I live! My arm, my shield, my all! Thy will is duty's blessing, so doth the Lord ordain: that I should heed thee and bring you comfort is my joy and glory.

ADAM
Sweet companion! Here beside thee softly fly the golden hours. Every moment is rapture, naught of sadness lingers near.

EVE
Dearest husband! Here beside thee, floods of joy o'erflow my heart. That thou love me is my blessing; thine forever is my life.

Dear fucking lord in heaven. Really? REALLY? Shut the fuck up already Eve. Tell Adam that you'll share his life with you, and you'll do things together, but don't give him any of that "I'll follow you" bullshit. It's a partnership, not stalking. Jesus.

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My evening was spent stocking my new bookshelves with books--not all my books, but I did pilfer some from other shelves in the house. I am very happy with my accomplishment. They look great with the floors. The Boy should be happy because it's not the mess that the old bookshelf was. This is sleek and there are just so many fucking books. I want to throw myself at them, and tell the how awesome they are and that I'll follow them forever.





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Lastly, I totally enjoyed having Waitress on in the background while working. It's such a sweetly perfect movie. I should really buy the DVD.

Tomorrow we're moving Wikus to his new apartment. I've inhaled plenty of dust tonight, and have taken a Benadryl and an Allegra. Here's to hard work and a deep sleep.