An Entry in the Annals of TMI
Some of you may roll over and die for a few minutes after reading this, but dammit, my tampon today was irritating the fuck out of me. It was basically all I could think about all day, and most of my day was stuck in a long meeting. A meeting where I really didn't have anything to contribute, other than nudging people back on track every once in a while. Tampon irritation isn't quite agony; it's something you think you can deal with, like a pebble in your shoe. Then you realize, that you are going to start killing kittens and shoving people in front of large buses if that tampon can't be shoved further up me and stop rubbing against my vag opening. Side note: Did you know that the "vaginal opening" is called the vestibule of the vagina
Around 5:45pm I was finally able to fix this horrible problem. It took less than two seconds for instant relief. Now I can't even tell I have a tampon in me. This is the amazing power of the vagina, and it goes to show you why no woman cares how long your dick is, because once the dick is past our vestibule we can no longer feel it that well. That should be a PSA on television...The More You Know...
Then The Humiliation
While checking myself out in the bathroom mirror, feeling good that I had finally solved my terrible problem, I noticed a strange pucker in the back of my dress right on my ass. At first I'm like, hmmm, slip must have gotten bunched up, but nooooo, it was a fucking hole at the bottom of the zipper; therefore, a hole directly in the middle of my asscrack. Several thoughts ran through my head, first and most importantly that I was thankful that not only was I wearing underwear but tights and a slip. Then the mind gibbering: when did this happen, how'd it happen, is my ass too big, has everyone all fucking day long been staring at my ass and giggling, was there a hole there the other times I have worn this dress, have I really been going around with a fucking one-inch hole over my buttcrack? Heavy breathing, panicky eye twitching, walking in a way that I hope diminishes the sight of the hole, but probably just makes me look even weirder. Good fucking lord. A hole in the butt of my dress. Geez.
The Ultimate in Stupidity
Completely out of groceries, I was determined to be good and go to the grocery store. BUT I HAVE A HOLE IN MY DRESS AND THERE'S NOTHING TO HIDE IT WITH! Should I skip it and go some other day, like, next week? Just starve and maybe lose weight in my huge ass that might cause holes in the seams of my dresses? I felt I would not let that hole get the best of me! Especially since without knowing it, I had been walking around all day with that hole. I had visited many floors and gone to an off-site meeting. What could possibly happen at the grocery store that would make it worse?
Oh, I know, drop a fucking 12-can box of canned bubbly water on my face. No problem. I can do that. Do you want me to have it crash in to my temple and barely miss my left eye? I can do that, too. Do you want me to do it because I don't have that handle on physics like I was bragging about just a couple of days ago?
I tried to make it the grocery store's fault for a few moments there as I was staggering and holding tentatively to consciousness and desperately trying to look like nothing horribly moronic just happened. It is their fault in that they stacked the 12-can boxes on the top shelf (I am 5'3", and that shelf had to be at least 5'10"), and not only were they on the top shelf, they were stacked 4 boxes high. If it was only one level of boxes, I could handle that easily (though, I was thinking about how I would probably tear the fucking hole in my dress even more). There I am, 5'3", staring up at a tower of boxed bubbly water. I devised a strategy that I thought would limit injury. I moved the boxes of water out of the way that I did not want (but would have been easier to obtain, but they weren't citrusy flavored). Then I moved the third and fourth level boxes in a way that I hoped would make them fall sideways to the right. It went off flawlessly in that those boxes fell exactly where I expected them to. While watching the beauty of my plan in action, I noticed a bit too late that the 2nd-tier box was falling on me. I had enough time to avert my face to I wouldn't lose an eye or break my nose. Leaving me with a fucking contusion. A huge welt with a nice hole in my temple. Two holes in one day! At least I know when this one happened. I couldn't believe that I wasn't knocked out (could I sue the grocery store then?). I just stood there acting like I was really looking over my water options. This must be how Whoopis feels when he falls off of the table, and acts like it never happened.
I finally toddled off, painfully aware of the throb in my temple, trying to pull my hair to cover the area, and thinking that I fucking have a hole in my dress that everyone could see.
It was almost all made better when I saw a skinny nervous teenager stalking various aisles to slowly find his way to the condoms. That was satisfying. I hope he found the courage within to buy some. Then I got to drive home through a gorgeous pink sunset. At least no one could see my welt, my hole and know that I suffered a too-low tampon all day when I was unloading the groceries. And there's a boy out there who may be ready to have some safe sex.
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