When Lance Armstrong Begs to Dip His Ball in It

During my morning commute in to work (it's laughable to call a 10-minute drive a commute), I pass the most hilarious billboard.  It is a great joy to see it every morning, especially when the sun is hitting it just right, and it is glowing and reaching out to the masses.  It's too bad that it would be total suicide to stop and take a picture of it. A lazy Google search did not reveal any photos.  Sad.  Picture for yourself a billboard of Lance Armstrong in full race regalia riding along all strong and stoic, and across one half of the billboard is an ad for Michelob Ultra Lite beer.  Why is Lance encouraging us to make jokes about him being a little "lite" in the pants?  The billboard is basically giving us permission to make crude jokes.  Thanks, Lance!

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A few minutes ago, in the bathroom, two ladies were having a good chuckle about how one found a bobby pin in her hair.  Yes, that is what passes for funny around here.  This other woman started to tell a story, "I listen to a Christian radio station every morning as I get dressed..."  The story was very unfunny, which is kind of what I assumed (lady was late to church choir due to Daylight Saving Time, and was worried she still had curlers in her hair).  It would have been more funny if it went like this, "There was a lady on there who said, I woke up this morning, realized there was no God, and snorted a line of coke."  That is what I expect for comedy on my Christian radio station.
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How gorgeous is this?

It would look great with my new shoes.  It's $88, so I should probably hold off for now.  Seems Dana LeBlanc is extremely popular, so this necklace won't be for sale for long.  I suggest at least bookmarking her Etsy site for further drooling.  Hey, it would look even better with those kicking red boots that obviously need to be bought just for me.
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Ex-Cop Lackey: Do you know how to get us logged on to this laptop.  My password is not working.
Me: It's not your laptop, and therefore your password won't work.
Ex-Cop Lackey: How do I get in to it then?
Me: Get the log-in information from the person whose laptop it is.
Ex-Cop Lackey: Oh.

Some New Guy (SNG): Oh, we have a new baby?
Me: Excuse me?
SNG: Have you heard from the new mother?
Me: I only have a professional relationship with her, so no.
SNG: I'm sure she's doing fine.
ME: Sure, why not.
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This may become my standard birthday greeting: "Happy birthday, my little lollipop of delicious lambchop drippings.  May your week be bright with sassy ladies and gentlemen with saucy smiles who bring gifts of love and liquor."  Of course I would translate it into something weirder using Babel Fish.  I find that it is really lovely in Italian.
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Let's pretend my license plate says POOPY.  I am sitting at an extremely congested light pretending not to be picking my nose while picking my nose.  Some lady pulls up next to me and mimes rolling down a window--she looked extremely harmless, so I obey.  She asked if I had seen her license plate, which I politely said, "No," and she said, "It says POOP.  I wanted POOPY, but you already had it!"  Ah, ruining other people's vanity-plate dreams.  It is a bit astounding that in the whole state of Texas that POOPY and POOP would be next to each other at a frontage road light.