Death By Dolphin Sperm

It's 12:54 a.m. and Smokey the Bear is telling me in this implausibly deep robotic voice that only ME can prevent wild fires.  That is quite the burden for me to bear (Ha! Bear!).  I really can't process this new role in my life.  Who listens to Smokey?  How does one "Get your Smokey on?"  Do only stoned high-school kids respond to Smokey's demands?  I've only had one beer.  Maybe I need to go to sleep and spend some time reflecting on the prevention of wild fires.

I want to take the Orgasmatron seriously, but the name makes it impossible.  The Futurama writers must have invented it.  Orgasms are very important, but don't trivialize it by calling this new invention such an ass-stupid name.  Help, I have a Discovery Health addiction.  It's like my addiction to dolphin-love stories.

Hmmm, what's that?  Dolphin love?  Oh, yes!  DOLPHIN LOVE!  There are times when mating with your human partner is just not enough.  Why dolphin love?  I don't think anyone needs to ask such an obvious question.  There are stupid questions, and that is one of them.  Warning, if you are feeling the flush of lust for a dolphin, try to stay away from aquariums.  You know, because children might be watching.

Sure, there are some safety issues to consider when fucking a dolphin.  I feel that Dragon-wolfe Dolphinn really expresses it best (since he totally wrote the definitive how-to guide):

WARNING! In the considerations of safety, you should NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you. The Bottle-nose dolphin member is around 12 inches, very muscular, and the thrusting and the force of ejaculation (A male can come as far as 14 feet) would cause serious internal injuries, resulting in peritonitus and possible death.

Oh, dolphin love isn't hardcore enough for you?  Their pink bellies are a little too fay for you?  Their need for cuddling after sex too time consuming and boring?  Why not try a stingray and show Steve Irwin how it is really done?  Your death will be worth it if you manage to have an orgasm with a stingray.  I promise.  Or, for those of you looking for a voluptuous lady, try sexing up a hippopotamus.  That's totally hardcore.  They do have a penchant for biting the heads off of those who try, but come on, 9,000lbs of pure hippo loving is just magical.  I recommend moving to Africa if you want to play the hippo field.  They are extremely jealous so be careful when you are two-timing them.  Theirs mouthes open four feet wide.  Consider that.

I want to thank EH for opening my eyes to the world of dolphin love.  Though she did steer me wrong when she said that it is the dolphin who initiates anal sex with the person.  As you can see above, Dragon-wolfe Dolphinn (I hope that is his legal name) has made it clear that that is bad news.  I acknowledge that some people may enjoy the idea of death by dolphin semen.  I'm just not one of them.  May EH go forth and be merry with dolphins the first chance she gets.  Or at least do a psych profile on Dragon-wolfe Dolphinn.